Here are 135+ savage roasts to absolutely destroy your opponents:
1. Oh my God! It speaks!
2. Rolling your eyes isn't gonna help find your brain.
3. You are the reason this country puts directions on shampoo bottles.
4. It whistles, doesn't it? Your head when the wind blows.
5. I was going to make a joke about you, but I see life beat me to the punch.
6. You are as useless as the "ueue" in queue.
7. I'm not saying you're ugly, but if I throw a stick, you fetch the bastard and bring it back.
8. Whoever told you to be yourself gave you bad advice.
9. You act like how I would think vomit would act if it could.
10. I thought of you today, and it reminded me to take out the trash.
11. I'd give you a nasty look, but you already got one.
12. I'm not an astronomer, but I am pretty sure the world revolves around the sun, not you.
13. You and I go way back, and you've always been annoying. I mean, you even used to make your happy meal cry.
14. It's not that you're annoying; it's just that I'd liken you to the human version of period cramps.
15. Are you done with all of this drama? Because I need an intermission.
16. I apologize for doing anything that made you believe I care about how you feel.
17. Most mistakes can be fixed; you are the exception that proves the rule.
18. Everyone can act foolish once, but you are violating that privilege.
19. If you're offended by my opinion, you should hear the ones I keep to myself.
20. You remind me of a cloud; my day becomes much brighter when you disappear.
21. If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person on the planet.
22. If your mum got given one piece of bad advice, it was not to swallow.
23. You're like the human version of an athlete's foot; annoying and hard to get rid of.
24. Looking at you reminded me to take my contraception. I can't risk giving birth to someone that ugly.
25. I'm trying to come up with an insult that's stupid enough for you to understand, so give me a moment.
26. You're talking to me; I thought you only talked behind my back.
27. I've seen you before, but I'm sure I had to pay for admission last time.
28. I am not a proctologist but I know an asshole when I see one.
29. I love what you've done with your hair. How do you get it to come out of your nostrils like that?
30. Your face is the same as a restraining order. It makes people stay away.
31. Your secrets are always safe with me because I never even listen when you tell me them.
32. I do hate you, I am sure God does too.
33. So a thought crossed your mind? That must have been a long and lonely journey for you.
34. I pray you meet your downfall in a pitfall.
35. If you're going to be two-faced, at least make one of them pretty.
36. You must have been born on a highway because that's where most accidents happen.
37. When I look at you, I wonder where you have been all my life… Would you mind returning there?
38. I'm sorry that my brutal honesty inconvenienced your ego.
39. Do you think this hurts my feelings? The only thing that hurts is my eyes when I'm looking at you.
40. Watching you attempt to use all of your vocabulary in a single statement is funny.
41. Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent.
42. Why don't you go play in traffic?
43. I never forget a person's face, but I'll be happy to make an exception in your situation.
44. You should carry a plant around to replace the oxygen you waste.
45. Some people are like slinkies. They are not good for much, but they bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs.
46. The only reason I go with you everywhere is that I'd rather do that than kiss your ugly face goodbye.
47. I thought I had the flu, but then I realized your face makes me sick to my stomach.
48. I could eat a bowl of alphabet soup and poop out a smarter statement than what you said.
49. I forgot that the rest of the world revolves around you. How foolish of me; my apologies.
50. When I see your face, the only thing I would change is the direction I was heading to.
51. I would punch you, but I don't want to improve the appearance of your face.
52. Accidents happen; the proof is sitting right there.
53. Is that the brain you use when crossing the road?
54. You look like something that shouldn't be seen before midnight.
55. If your brain was put on a fish, it would swim backward.
56. You look like a rejected omen.
57. Why are you built like a question mark?
58. If my life were a movie, you'd be an annoying extra.
59. Light travels faster than sound, which is why you seemed bright until you spoke.
60. At least my friends aren't imaginary like your social life.
61. The only way you'd get hurt from exercising would be if you sprained your finger changing the channel.
62. If confidence is key, you must be the whole keychain.
63. You are proof God has a sense of humor.
64. I'd say bless your heart but that'd be too kind.
65. You look like something that came out of a slow cooker.
66. I think I found your purpose in life. It is to be an organ donor.
67. You have an entire life to be an idiot. Why not take today off?
68. I'm sorry I upset you by calling you a hoe. I was unaware that it was a secret.
69. Amazingly, you don't allow your knowledge to stand in the way of stupidity.
70. Don't attempt to think too much. Your stupidity might injure your brain.
71. Your parents really must have been happily married before they had you.
72. Mirrors can't talk. Lucky for you, they can't laugh, either.
73. I know people put you down, but I think you will go far personally, and I hope you stay there.
74. Don't make throw a stick and make you fetch.
75. I am not ignoring you. I am simply giving you time to reflect on what an idiot you are.
76. I keep thinking you can't get any dumber, and you keep proving me wrong.
77. I'd be broke if I had a dollar for every time you said something smart.
78. If I wanted a bitch, I would buy a dog.
79. I apologize if my forced apology sounded fake; I'll work to improve it the next time.
80. Don't hate me because I'm beautiful. Hate me because your boyfriend thinks so.
81. I'm not insulting you; I'm describing you.
82. Your bad personality is the reason I prefer animals to humans.
83. You are so unattractive that your reflection tries to walk away when you glance in the mirror.
84. I'm not saying you're ugly, but nobody wants to sleep with you because they don't want to be prosecuted for animal abuse.
85. Even though it might appear like I'm paying attention to you, I simply imagine duct tape across your lips.
86. It's not that I don't listen to you when you talk. It's just that there is only so much stupid information I can process in one go.
87. You're like the first slice of bread in a loaf. You get touched by everybody but wanted by none.
88. I believe you can achieve anything. Look around you; there are remarkably dumb people everywhere who you could aspire to be.
89. It seems your face caught fire, and somebody attempted to stop it with a hammer.
90. Feed your own ego. I'm busy.
91. Why don't you slip into something more comfortable, like a coma?
92. I'm not stating you're stupid, but a glow stick has a better future than you have.
93. It must be fun to wake up each morning knowing that you are that much closer to achieving your dreams of complete and utter mediocrity.
94. You just might be why the middle finger was invented in the first place.
95. You are evidence that evolution can go backwards.
96. There's somebody out there for everybody. For you, it's a psychiatrist.
97. If I had a face like yours, I would sue my parents.
98. You have no idea how much joy you may spread just by leaving the room.
99. I don't know if I should insult or congratulate you for saying something without drooling.
100. It's kind of sad what happened to your face...Oh wait, that's how it has always looked?
101. Sometimes it's better to keep your lips shut and make people think you're ignorant than to open them and clear all doubt.
102. I've heard a smarter statement come out in a fart.
103. Hold still. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
104. I don't hate you, but I would give you a high five if you drowned.
105. Someday, you'll go far. And I hope you stay there.
106. It's impossible to underestimate you.
107. I look at you and think, "Two billion years of evolution, for this?"
108. Don't let your mind wander, it's too small to be let out by itself.
109. Somewhere out there is a tree tirelessly producing oxygen for you. You owe it an apology.
110. If you ran like your mouth you would be in good shape.
111. Don't stand too close to the heater, plastic melts.
112. I'd like to see things from your point of view, but I can't get my head that far up my ass.
113. I don't know what your problem is but I am guessing it's hard to pronounce.
114. When I see your face, there's not a single thing I would change, except the direction I was walking.
115. Were you born this stupid or did you take lessons?
116. You're so ugly Hello Kitty said goodbye.
117. The only way you will get a partner is if you go on Love is Blind.
118. Your fashion sense is quite a mystery, did you get dressed in a state of emergency?
119. When you were born, the doctors probably threw you out of the window, and the window threw you back.
120. You are like a software update. Whenever I see you, I immediately think, "not now."
121. You have a face that would make onions cry.
122. I am jealous of all the people who have never met you.
123. If laughter is the best medicine, your face must be curing the world.
124. You deserve a high five in the face, with a chair.
125. I would roast you but my mom said I am not allowed to burn trash.
126. I don't hate you but I would unplug your life support to charge my phone.
127. Don't be ashamed of who you are, that's your parent's job.
128. Wow, you're dumber than you look.
129. Do your parents even realize they are living proof that two wrongs don't make a right?
130. I'd rather do nothing all day, but I see you've already perfected that!
131. Whoever told you to be yourself, gave you bad advice.
132. You're so clumsy, you could trip over wireless network.
133. Your birth certificate should be written as a letter of apology.
134. I don't have the patience nor crayons to explain this to you.
135. This will be the first and last roast of the night, as we've already used up your entire vocabulary.